Luke was born 4 weeks premature on the 29th August 2003 weighing 6lb 3oz. Although he was initially in special care for 2 days he made progress quickly, and we both went home after 5 days. He was the first baby to both my partner and me, a joyful event for both families. He grew well gaining weight as he should do. I had gained MRSA after my cesarian section and Luke like to wake all night feeding. As he was breast feed that was me and I was very tired. I was advised at that time to take him to bed to feed by the midwife, this advice changed not long after Luke’s death. However, I enjoyed every moment of motherhood and look forward to watching him grow. When Luke was 8 weeks, we had his photos taken by a professional, thinking of giving them to family at Christmas. This was Friday. These were the last photos taken of Luke and were given to us. Saturday night we went to bed, the clocks went back that night. I fed Luke once during the night, when I next woke it was morning. Thought it was strange that he had slept so long, that is when I found he was not breathing. I shouted on my partner to call an ambulance whilst I started to give mouth to mouth. We were taken by ambulance to Yorkhill Hospital where Luke was later pronounced as dead. Friends & Family had met us at the hospital and took us home. The police came and interviewed me in the house but took my Partner to the station. However, they were very kind and supportive. That night I went to see Luke at the chapel but the night manager told us one visit despite A&E staff saying we could visit and then not to touch the body. I felt like a criminal after the death this was the worse thing I experienced. We buried Luke 4 days later on 30th October, as I did not want him buried on Halloween. I now associate Halloween with Luke’s death and find it hard. My friends and family were so supportive and I’m not sure that I would have managed without their help. I will always be grateful for the love and kindness I got. After the funeral was over I was in a no-mans land, everyone went back to work but as I was still on mat leave and recovering from MRSA and C-section I felt that everyone else could continue as if he was not born I could not go back to that life. I know this was wrong but it was how I felt. The cot death trust had contacted me offering support but did not force in. It was good just to know I could call if I needed. My GP did not prescribe any anti-depressants to allow me the feelings of grieving which I am glad for as they would only have been suppressed. In January I found out I was pregnant again. We had great fears and I was anxious throughout the pregnancy. The trust gave me access to a counsellor that help me with this and I can access them again via the trust at anytime. Ryan was born by planned C-section on 20th August 2004 weighing 7lb 13oz. I was given an apnoea monitor by the cot death trust that saved me many sleepless nights!!!! Ryan was different to Luke. He slept through the night early on, which was good but did fill me with worry but the sound of the monitor click click clicking soon stopped that. Ryan wore this day and night. Ryan stopped using the monitor at 9 months, when it started going off as he moved. His 1st birthday brought on mix emotions of happiness and sorrow at not being able to celebrate Luke’s birthday. Ryan continued to do well and has always been a happy healthy little boy. He has always known of his brother and is accepting that he is in heaven. I started to fundraise for the trust, became a befriender and met others who had lost a child on training days who are now friends. We moved house 2 years ago and that felt a little sad although we really wanted to move as I was leaving a connection with Luke. Last year unexpectedly I found out I was pregnant again. Ryan was nearly 6 when I found out. This time it was a little girl born 29th December 2010 weighing 6lb 9oz. we called her Lucy. Again the trust provided me with a monitor, which I only used at night after the first few weeks. This was a definite aid to sleep as the night she was born I did not have the monitor and was only dozing, scared to sleep. She was a good sleeper like Ryan at night and the monitor has helped me again although she has not used it since she was 7 months but the trust has allowed me to keep it until after Luke’s anniversary as my safety blanket. It is important to return them as they are so expensive. Lucy will know about Luke like her brother does. Having lost Luke I never regret having him for those 8 weeks, although I do sometimes wonder what it would be like with all 3 of them in the house…… mayhem.